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It's Just Wrong
Posted by Rob Sherwood   •   Tuesday, 2007-June-19 • 08:51
Yesterday, while sitting by the window, alternately reading and watching the thunderclouds roll in, the phone rang. It was my nephew, calling from southern Minnesota asking if we got the Jerry Springer Show. I turned on the TV and saw most of the video clip they were playing.

Like Dante, I have seen the depths of hell!

A friend of mine in California (soon to be in Illlinois) has the theory that all our vices are progressive. He must have heard this from some preacher. The theory is that each little vice creates the desire for another little vice. Say you are addicted to ice cream. First, you have a little bowl while you watch Ellen. Next thing you are having another bowl during Oprah. Then eventually another during Jeopardy. Soon, you aren't even using the bowl, but just eating it right out of the carton. Sure, you started with Ben & Jerry's...but then it's Hagen Daz, from pints to quarts to half-gallons. Eventually, you are eating it straight from the plastic gallon container with the handy metal carrying handle. Your days become tormented as you try to assuage the gnawing desire with fudgecicles and push-ups. Soon, they know you by first name at Cold Stone and make you pay in advance. You end up on the television show Intervention, but of course it doesn't take and you leave re-hab early and last you were heard from you were rummaging through a trash can outside a Dairy Queen.

Hollywood has gotten rich by making comedies that cater to our desire to laugh at the misfortunes of others. The man and the banana peel comes to mind. And much to my shame, I sat by the window, with the thunderclouds rolling in, a discarded book on my lap, watching the worst bit of television I have ever seen. And laughed my ass off.

I hesitate to even describe it. Imagine a congenitally deformed woman with stumps ending above the elbow and above the knee trying to eat spaghetti, potato chips, and brush her teeth. As my friend Sal would say..."That's just wrong!"

My nephew said he was embarassed to be watching and ashamed to be laughing. Of course, HE was the one who called ME. I didn't know whether to take a shower or get down on my knees and pray.

Add this sorry episode to my list of vices. If things progress according to theory, I will soon be taking up deer hunting (Bambi's mom!), puppy-baseball (dog is the ball), and TIVOing Maury.(one of those 12 guys IS the father!)

...on my way to do the Stations, I remain....

Loonie Saturday
Posted by Rob Sherwood   •   Sunday, 2007-June-17 • 06:00
Yesterday we went to the Land Of The Loon Festival in Virginia. (Named because all the girls are virginians) This is becomeing a tradition. We went last year. It was good to get out of Duluth because it is Grandma's Marathon week-end and about 60,000 people show up and crowd the place. You can't get a seat at the House Of Pancakes or Denny's for any amount of money. (Actually, there isn't either a IHOP or Denny's in Duluth but I used them as a universal reference because you might not recognize the humour (spelled that way because I WAS in England last month) if I had written Perkins or OCB)

If you have a desparate need for a "Welcome to our Home" sign, or a candle holder made out of barbwire, or a plaque that says, "Sit Down and Fart A While"...then, the Loon Festival is for you! It isn't that I didn't spend any money...I spent a bundle. Five dollars for Cheese cruds...oops...typo....supposed to be Cheese curds, but now that I think of the effect on my arteries, cheese cruds is appropriate. Had some onion rings...started to hear a sound like a rubber-band stretching coming from inside my chest...and a bit later a festival made nachos grande. Ignoring the shooting pain in my left arm I managed to find room for a home-made ice-cream-dipped-in-chocolate-the-size-of-a-dinner-plate and a couple of diet Cokes and half a baby aspirin.

My cardio-vascular surgeon and God willing, I plan on being at the Loon Festival next year too and I WILL find the Italian Sausage with peppers, onions, and mozarella booth. My brother has agreed to carry the paddles for the heart resuscitation machine. Hope your summer is as fun as mine is and let me know if there are other good festivals in my future. My goal is to eat Minnesota State Fair food for every meal.

btw-I liked the Soprano ending.

Shut The Front Door
Posted by Rob Sherwood   •   Wednesday, 2007-June-13 • 15:00
Benji's sister on So You Think You Can Dance was surprised when she realized she was in the top 20. She said, "Shut the front door...". I guess that is the Mormon way of saying, "Shut the fuck up." I hope she loses just because of it. And to make matters worse, now friends and relatives are all saying...."shut the front door".

Sunday afternoon I was in Glencoe for the parade. It was a pretty good parade for a little town of 4,000+ people. There is something wierd going on tho...the waving. Instead of the various Princess' and Queens (you'd think this was the San Francisco Gay Pride Parade!!!) waving like, well, Princess' and Queens with their elbow bent at 90 degrees and forearm and hand perpendicular, the fingers together rotating about 180 degrees like a lighthouse beacon...they were moving their arms back and forth horizontally like they were using Pledge on a rather high table. Is that some sort of ergonomic thing? Whatever--its fucked up and they should get back to waving like a self respecting Queen. ("Oh girl!") The band from Oswego was great fun. Reminded me of marching in parades as a teenager.

In the Twin Cities in the 70's we didn't have Taco Bell. We had Zapata's. I guess the Mexicans were offended by a fast-food Mexican joint named after Emillio Zapata...one of their national heroes (Killer & Bandit that he was...) so they changed the name to Zantigo. Whatever.....it was an early-day Taco Bell. I was mentioning how much I hated driving in the Twin Cities and how it must be a sign of old age because I didn't even think about it 30 years ago. I told my nephew that I used to drive down I94, steering with my knees while I sauced my taco. He said that sounded perverted. Now that I think about it..it was. In the 'olden days' we used to have them cut our whopper in half. Shut the front door! It is sounding perverted again.

I am just sitting here trying to figure out what politician I hate the most...

btw...Oceans 13 sucks big-time!

Downtown Minneapolis
Posted by Rob Sherwood   •   Friday, 2007-June-08 • 15:42
It has been a while since I spend much time on Hennepin Avenue. Yesterday, I left the cold and rain of Northern Minnesota with a sweater and rain-coat, for the hot and humid Twin Cities. The Shindlers on the corner of Hennepin and 6th has been replaced by Borders. I can remember buying things there at one in the morning and Old Man Shindler himself would wait on me. Didn't see Moby Dicks, the Mann Theater, the Nankin, the Cafe Di Napoli, or Plantation Pancakes. Still, it felt the same. Even though, Dayton's is Macy's it just seems right to have a big department store on that corner of 7th & Nicolett.

I had lunch with a couple of guys from my distant past. Pat McKay & Denny Carpenter, both unduly influenced by the 'evil one'. I wish we had more time for, as Tony Soprano says, the worst type of conversation; the ones that start with.."I remember....".I have a list of about 25 (minimum)other people I really wan to meet for some of that "I remember.." drivel and lunch.

If you live in California and are part of THAT part of my life, I am sort of leaving you in the dust..but I sure wonder what people miss about Downtown Minneapolis. If you can't play that game, maybe what you miss about ...where ever..? btw...next week watch for more My Story, More San Francisco Story, and more pictures!!!


May Was Crap
Posted by Rob Sherwood   •   Monday, 2007-June-04 • 13:41
You have to look back on the last month and admit it wasn't very nice. Last year we had spectacular spring weather in Minnesota, but this year...it sucked. When I was in Tacoma I went to lots of Tacoma Tigers baseball...in Modesto I attended most of the local farm team baseball games..the Modesto A's...can you imagine the goofs in that city changed the name to the Modesto Nuts?


Anyway...last year I took in a bunch of Duluth Huskies baseball. There is just nothing like spending a balmy evening watching baseball, eating hotdogs, and relaxing. Major league baseball ruined that experience by prices that compete with Grand Opera. Anyway...the first week-end of Huskies baseball and cloudy, cold and rainy. Like I said...the weather sucks.

One of my best friends is preparing for a career move from California to Chicago. I am actually looking forward to some of those mid-January phone calls where he moans:


Anyone watching So You Think You Can Dance? How come the fat guys who try out for the show are all so gay? I thought when you were gay you were svelt, urbane, and politically aware? And how come so many of the fat women who try out for the show look like they hang around with fat gay guys?

And btw....I get so much mail commenting on my scribblings but so few posts here. I know it is new and the 'word' must get around....but what a bunch of pussies...afraid to add your two cents worth. Governor Arnold know you are girly-men and you are all probably just looking for a fat dancer to hang around with....

Take care

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