I was thinking earlier today what our lives would be like if we all had a HOT LINE to answer.

I always thought the ubiquitous HOT LINE at radio stations were installed for emergency purposes. When I worked in Cedar Rapids there was a DJ who had a nervous break-down on the air. The first sign that "we have a problem Cedar Rapids!" was when the engineer heard the sound of the needle trailing along the final groove of the 45...over and over. At that point, the HOT LINE was rather useless. What good was it? The guy was cowering in the corner blubbering like So You Think You Can Dance judge. It wasn't like he was going to answer the HOT LINE and say the reason there is nothing on-the-air is because I just went nuts. Let me think of a trivial but necessary reason for a HOT LINE call. The DJ is playing a promo or spot that is out-of-date to the point it makes the station sound stupid or lose money. Good reason for a HOT LINE call. How about if the Jock steps on a vocal...or reads the liner with the music too hot....or doesn't answer the HOT LINE quickly?

I'm trying to remember if I ever got a PD HOT LINE call that was a compliment. Why not change the name to the CHICKEN-SHIT LINE. I got in trouble at KDWB when I got upset by a bunch of HOT LINE calls from the PD who used to work in Chicago and pulled the phone out wires and all and tossed in on the floor by the office door. Cost me, too. They made me pay for the repairs. One station I worked had a huge RED light that flashed when the HOT LINE rang. They even referred to it as the RED PHONE instead of the HOT LINE. I used to unscrew that infra-red thing about half and inch...just enough so it wouldn't blink. That got old..plus I was pissing someone off....so one night I did some extra curricular work after my shift. I carefully unscrewed the fixture with the bulb...pulled on the wire inside and cut the wire. I sort of frayed the wire so that it looked like, perhaps, a mouse had chewed it. The various folks from CSI would have sussed things out in a minute or two. Even if someone had taken off the fixture, like I did, all they would find is one of the wires..too short..to make the necessary connection. I had pushed the end down into the wall. It took them almost six months to fix.

Today, my aim was poor in the bathroom...I used a knife to cut a plum and nearly amputated my arm....I spilled salad dressing on a sofa pillow and just rubbed it until it sort of disappeared...and I returned from Barnes & Noble, took off my shorts, and didn't wear any pants for the rest of the day. I really should have been HOT LINED!